A very big thank you to all of you who took the trouble to vote for your favourite actor in my prestigious new PAWS awards. Tributes such as yours play a crucial part in keeping the film industry alive, and more importantly they seem to guarantee a steady supply of duck-flavoured cat treats.
I am delighted to bring you highlights from the glittering award ceremony which took place today. Television crews, paparazzi, world-famous actors, A-list celebrities, screen directors, hysterical fans… none of these were present. But after all, it’s only my first year, and I’ll invite some more people next time.
Anyway, here are the much-anticipated results:
Winner of Best Actor: Myself, for my role in Mission Impossible 2.
In accepting my award, firstly I would like to thank my resident community of bank voles for their generous contributions to my dietary requirements. A debt of thanks goes to my film crew and cheese supplier, I mean stage manager, and I would like to point out that I performed all of the stunts myself.
After I’ve had my afternoon sleep, I’m going to start work on my latest production, which is a shortened version of the classic Bond movie ‘A Shrew to a Kill’.
While I feel absolutely justified in winning this accolade, I do feel a slight twinge of guilt that my fluffy friend Ponyo is missing out. Only a slight twinge. I am therefore introducing a new award, which is for the Most Energetic Action Sequence. And the winner is…
Ponyo, for her role in Flashdance.
Congratulations to Ponyo! Look at those crazy dance moves. I understand that she is now appearing as a feather duster in ‘Upstairs Downstairs’. Sorry, Ponyo – only kidding! I still love your fluffiness.
Thank you all very much indeed. Signed photos will be supplied on request. No, I don’t do chat shows. Yes, I am wearing fur, but I’ve grown it myself. A call from Mr Spielberg, you say? Thank you, my agent will deal with it.
You can see all the nominations for this year’s PAWS (Purdey’s Awards for Worldwide Stardom) by clicking on this link.